What the HELL am I feeling?

Mr. P went on his very first poly date tonight with a chick that he has been talking to off and on for about 3 month now. He got home over and hour ago and after being brief on what happened I feel sick, like I have a sour stomach or something. I’m upset, hurt and jealous and I have no bloody clue why. Well, I don’t know why this situation is making feel these things. I was HAPPY he was going on his date, I LIKE the girl he went with, I am genuinely happy that he had a good time.

BUT.

I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be around him, I want to talk to him. HE is trying to talk to me and I just can’t. I am sitting in a dark room, listening to music (helps me process), and writing this. I could just scream right now. As a matter of fact I did. I screamed and pretty much toss a fit for a moment in my personal darkness.

CRAP.

Why I am feeling like this. I am can pin point the emotions and the locations of the feelings but I don’t know why I am having them. I feel like a crazy person. I was perfectly fine when he left and while he was gone but now that he is here … BLAH. I want nothing to do with it.

THEY KISSED.

sigh.

THEY HELD HANDS.

sarcastic sigh.

Here is the kicker folks, I go on a first date tomorrow. I was excited about said date all day. Now, at this moment, I don’t want to go. I want to sit and wallow in the current state of unclear self pity. Oh my goodness. These emotions seem so irrational but I can’t control them. I want to. I want them to go away. I want to put them in a little box and burn it because I don’t understand them and I can’t figure them out. OMG… I just got. The name for all these stupid emotions.

I feel CHEATED ON.

What the hell is that? Why would that be what I am feeling right now? It just doesn’t make any sense. I can say that now that it has a name I don’t feel it in the pit of my stomach anymore. I have to go try and talk this out. I need a this to go away.

 

Poly Princess

Talking About The Conversation of S.E.X.

The current agreement between Mr. P and I is, we both have access each other’s messages, conversations and interactions with other people. We do this because we believe in transparency, honesty, and because Mr. P SUCKS at relaying ANY information. With that comes problems… a slight issue for me lately is 80% of his conversations are about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and
I eventually get to that topic as well. I just feel like it’s taking away from the real issue, which is developing relationships with other people, getting to know them, and learning about who they are as people. Taking the conversation in a very sexual direction right away diminishes the relationship or the ability to really know that person. It takes away the natural development of things and puts a pressure of future sex into the mix. I don’t go into new relationships or personal interacations with the assumption that there will be sex at some point. I usually start all of my interactions with a single focus and that is getting to people and becoming friends …UNLESS my only goal from the moment I’ve met them is a simple sexual encounter. I know it sounds really prudish and that’s definitely not me, but that’s just how I’ve been feeling.

As I say this, I’m wondering if it’s simply the crazy emotions that are the downside of having a vagina. It just seems like it is a cheap way to establish a connection. I would prefer at least at this stage to develop relationships and connections with people that are bit more based on our common interactions and our common likes and dislikes. Sex is something that will become part of a relationship but I feel like initiating sexual conversation or sexual interaction straight away takes away the natural progression of things.

I am not sure if I’m placing my ideology on him right now or if my concerns about this are valid because I have no true standard of comparison. So I’m just kind of floating here and wondering how do you approach this concern? How do you approach initiating new relationships and interactions in the polyamorous community? How do you make sex an initial concern in the beginning and expect to have a natural connection or natural progression to sex? Maybe I’m thinking outside of his comfort zone and I don’t know if that’s necessarily fair. When I talk to Mr. P about his process, his answer is simply “I like sex and I like talking about it. I want to make sure we are sexually compatible”, which to me just seems like a copout and a cheap substitute for substance.

I know that’s not fair assumption but poly is about the connections you make with people, not just the sexual chemistry.

Poly Princess

The Words That Needed to be Said

After all of the negative and painful emotions I was feeling the last few days I KNEW I really needed to have a sit down with Mr. P. I had no clue what to say or rather how to say it without sounding like a crazy person truly was not ready for such a life changing decision like poly. It was not until AFTER I listened to Poly Weekly episode 360 – Crowd  Sourcing Jealousy, that I really found the words or rather the way to express myself.

I had him listen to the episode as well and then we had a conversation. I told him just what I was feeling and what I had been thinking. Everything from the big emotional issues to the little annoyances and all the crazy irrational fears. I was surprised at how well he took it all. I was expecting him to be defensive and argumentative about the whole thing. Now that is not to say we did not disagree on some points, they were just met with a much healthier method of discussion.

I also discovered that some of my fears and concerns did not really come from him and his actions. They were coming from me and my personal insecurities. I’ve put on some weight, so I worry that he does not find me attractive anymore. I feel bad about the lack of activities I have in my life which make me feel like I have nothing of value to talk about. These things can’t be fixed by him. They are all issues that I have to work on with myself. Finally realizing this makes me feel like I have more control of the outcome and takes some pressure off of him.

All in all, I feel more secure in us and my ability to be heard. I do still have my insecurities and fears but now I know how to work on them. Mr. P also clearly knows what he has to do.

Poly Princess

I am me and here I am

This blog will be used to document my journey as I convert my semi-monogamous marriage into a polyamorous marriage. It will be a journal of sorts, where I can come and discuss my joys and love in poly and the pain that I’m am finding in poly.

So here is a bit of back story, just in case anyone ever reads this, by husband and I have been married for eight years this fall and we have known each other for just as long. We will call him Mr. P {short for Poly Prince}. During the entire relationship we have been semi-monogamous. Meaning we started out as soft swingers but also had times where we were strictly monogamous. It was about four months ago when we decided to convert from swingers to polyamorous people The choice came from us watching the first season of Showtime’s Polyamory. We were completely unaware that anything like polyamory even existed until that show and after watching the full season it seemed like a natural next step for our relationship.  We have had previous discussions about having boyfriends or girlfriends in the past, but we never knew that there was an actual community. So we had several conversations with several negotiations and settles on it being the best thing for us to do.

I just NEVER expected a natural next step to be SO HARD!

 Let me just tell you … it has brought out some pretty ugly stuff in me. It also seems to shine a BIG HUGE BRIGHT spot light on the flaws, cracks, and chips in the relationship. I am finding poly to be a bitchy friend that likes to rip all of the scabs off wounds that you thought already healed and that likes to make herself feel better by pointing out all of your flaws and insecurities. You know that friend, the one you ONLY keep around because when they are not being a TOTAL douche you have SO MUCH FUN together.

Well right now, poly is a total douche bag. I am finding out that the insecurities that I thought were no big deal are really big deals. I am finding that the little things I used to complain about are even more of an issue for me now than they were before.

But… I guess I should give you a bit more insight so can you have a better idea what I’m talking about. My husband is currently in the “building phase” with four different people. The only interactions so far is via e-mail and text message and I have very sporadic conversation with a few people. The issue I’m finding is that I already had limited time with Mr. P but, because it’s being divided between me and four the people and that’s a problem for me. He hasn’t gone on any dates yet I know that only a matter of time. The problem I have is that I feel like the amount of effort and time he is investing in these new people is taking away from me. He has not put that much effort into us in a long time.

Some of it is not his fault because we really don’t have a very good support system out here. We have kids and date night is hard to do without babysitters. I just feel that he really isn’t trying to make it happen. We live in his home state so the people we know are all his family. If he really wanted to take me out he could ask but he doesn’t. I do own some part in this but this is MY journal so most things will be one sided and from my emotional stand point. Anywho. I’m finding that the lack of attention from him lately, which honestly I think is his inability to manage time, really making me very insecure. It’s making me feel like I no longer have what it takes to keep his attention. It’s making me feel like I am no longer interesting because I’m a stay-at-home mom and really don’t have much to talk about. It’s making me feel like because I have gained weight that I’m not as attracted to him as I was before. We talked about this I know that some of it is all of my head but it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel this way.

To make matters more difficult, the state that I currently live in is not the state I was raised in. I don’t have any friends to begin with but, then tack on the fact that I am now on a journey into poly. We don’t know much about it, and there are all kinds of new motions and feelings to deal with, and I have no one to talk about any of it with. I have no one to help you process what I’m feeling and thinking. I don’t know anyone in the poly world that can help me work through these feelings, emotions, and insecurities. I have no one to tell me “what you’re feeling if valid. What you’re feeling is natural. What you’re feeling will pass. It is a natural step in poly and you are still a poly person even with these feelings”. I would LOVE to have someone to reassure me that just because I’m feeling these things do not mean that I am not capable of being in a polyamorous relationship. Frankly right now, THAT is what I need to hear. I am afraid that my insecurities and my jealousy mean that I’m not cut out to be in a polyamorous relationship and Lord knows I do not want to end it. I’m happy that he’s found people to talk to but I’m sad that he’s not talking to me. I am happy that he is found people that he finds interesting and that he likes, I’m sad that that’s no longer me. Tell me that is normal …PLEASE!!!

One of the difficult things is that Mr. P is a logical man. Trying to talk to him about emotions and feelings makes him want to fix it and sometimes you just need to talk. That is not to say that there are not solutions that can be worked out to make these things better. Just sometimes all you need to do is have a good talk and cry about things and then move on. If Mr. P learns how to balance and manage time better between us and the four, I would feel better about it. I do think that if he and I could find a way to go on dates to foster and nurture our relationship as a married couple as opposed to our relationship as parents that I would feel better.

I also know that I need take some responsibility and get out of the house and work on myself. I need to rebuild myself as an individual. Not as a mother or as a wife, but simply as the Poly Princess. I need to get back out in the world and find me because I lost her. I didn’t think it was as big of a deal or as deep as it’s turning out to be. Like I said, Polly is a bitch, and she will point out all of the stuff you did not think was an issue with a hot poker and show you that are REALLY was and is an issue.

Poly Princess

 

By the way, If someone does happen to read this, please note that while I am capable of expressing myself in words … I SUCK at punctuation and sentence structure. 

 

That is all.